Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Hmm, not sure about this change
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Not today, today.
Not today.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza