I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
You Might Also Like
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.