If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.