Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?