Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Everything reminds me of my ex
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler