BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Perfect
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.