North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.