[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza