learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Meowchelangelo
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”