a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd