whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes