Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
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CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…