My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.