“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists