Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You Might Also Like
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “