teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.