Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.