Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.