we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know