My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: