My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.