I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
You Might Also Like
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.