As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Who’s your best friend?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom