Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
😂 amazing answer
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.