One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
peak technology
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced