It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket