[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I think this cat is broken
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.