*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe