Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN