Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
That 👊
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.