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When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.