[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
You Might Also Like
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Krampus.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
felt cute might bury dad later idk
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
This makes total sense…
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?