Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
🖤✌🏽
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
When he asks for feet pics
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.