For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that