FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
How it started How it’s going
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.