Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Worst perfume name ever.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.