Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.