me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
You Might Also Like
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf