One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.