Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Thursday
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.