Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that