Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*gets down on one knee*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.