Friends that check up on you >
You Might Also Like
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
what’s more important?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Beauty and the Beast
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.