Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”