Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I have never related to a cat more
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding