Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single