My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
#catsoftwitter
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run