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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.