Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
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as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway