Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.